tHe RiGht tHiNg aT tHe WrOnG tiMe iS tHe WrOnG tHiNg

“Love should not be stirred up before it's proper time , because the love relationship unless carefully guarded may cause grief instead of the great joy it should bring to the human heart”. A passage from the bible that that opened my eyes to the reality that love depends on time. I wish I have read that passage earlier so that I may not have done my mistake.

Loving someone does not just happen and does not just come by chance. Love to be engaged in a relationship is a choice. When you want to love someone, you've got to love that person with all your heart, mind and soul. I envy the “true love” shared in a same-sex relationship. These people have loved each other not by what they are made but they see each other as a soul, having no gender. I know many of you will present ideas that will contradict mine, but I guess there's nothing wrong if I believe in what I believe. Just like you, you believe in your own definition of love. Learning from my mistakes in the past made me realize that love should be patient and should not be governed by emotions. Right now I can see the question marks in your faces asking me if what's that past. Well, this is what happened.

It felt so strange seeing him everyday completes my day. When his far from me I wanted him to go near me but as he moves closer to me I wanted to grow wings so that I can fly away from him. That strange feeling of mine continued to grow until he and I were brought to a fate to know each other but a worry in my mind that that would be a start of a “ friend zone” relationship was actually bothering me. Knowing him actually feels good, I swear. I felt that my limbic system was very alive and it was jerking! Call me whatever you w ant to call me, I'll accept it, but at those times I knew it that I wanted him not to be my friend but something more than that. As strange as it is, I never thought that it was already the start of my mistake. I started picking the unripe mango and tasted it. It was sour but I love the taste. I've fallen for it and continued picking more of it. I was thankful at those times that he also wanted more than friendship from me. We thought that we felt the same way , so we started a relationship. We were both young and innocent about this relationship, so we kept it as a secret. But I guess that there is nothing concealed that will not be disclosed or hidden that will not be made known. The secret was revealed to my family. My brother accepted our relationship( I know he's doing the same thing too) but my parents especially my father cannot accept our relationship. He thought that we were too young to define love in a relationship. Words spread so fast that even my aunts and cousin deliberately opened that topic during our reunions or any family gatherings(couldn't they just mind their own dumb businesses?). That topic would always end with a hurtful advice that I should break up with my beau. I wanted to hold on but I grew tired of the hurtful words thrown to me. The season of harvesting the unripe mangoes was over, but I guess that the tree has it's own life and grew more of it's fruit. They were so green and looked so perfect. He and I continued our communication but with no special relationship attached. I knew even from the start that letting each other go will not be that easy for us. I know that it wasn't again the right time to pick the mango but still I did. We revived our relationship but now in a more secretive way. We rarely see each other but still we communicate through text. We thought we can survive but time came that he had to go abroad to study. We talked about it and decided to finally end it up. The taste of the unripe mango soured my stomach. It's already hurting me and I cant continue to pick more of it and taste it again I guess that if I had just waited for that mango to ripen, then maybe I have tasted it's sweetness. If only I have waited for the right time then I could have not made my mistake.

I have learned something from my past and now taking things so slow is my way.I wanted to be sure that the next mango I am picking up is the ripe one. Patience is the key .

The Hardest Part

Communicatioin is hard enough by itself. You need to do alot of thimking,understanding and listening.Speaking is I think the easiest way to communicate but listening is the hardest. When you try to communicate, you do not just simply talk just to share your views and opinion to someone but it's more into listening to the thought of somebody. Communication is present everywhere but not in our house.We live in one roof but we have different atmosphere at our house.I have a good relationship with my two brothers but not to my prents.I was once even convinced that they have aliens living inside their bodies.That they are not happy with everything that makes me happy.I feel that they do not understand me or respect me as an individual.This thought of mine created a space to our "already-spaced" relationship.

I may say that me and my parents does not really get along well, but saying this doesn't mean that I do not love them. I love my parents because they gave me life and whether I'll like it or not they will still be my crying shoulder soon.I do not really know if how does this relationship of ours started so wrong. When I was still young, as I have rememberred, I feel so pampered by them, but when my mom started to work, nobody was left for us because my dad is also working abroad.Yes I know that they really want to give us the most comfortable life in this world but my parents did not realize that life without a parents personal care is bare. And that's exactly how I felt until now. As a child by then, I grew up in the care of my aunt.And you know what,I became more comfortable sharing my secrets to my aunt than to them. Sharing my problems to somebody is really a big deal to me as a teen ager. I mean I'm growing and I need a support.It's just so sad that I can't turn to them.I envy my classmates and friends who have good relationships with their parents especially with their mom .I could just think of the times when I feel so down and that how much I wanted to talk to my mother and share my feelings to her.I want to establish a friendship with my mom,a deeper friendship,but it seems that we are from Earth to Pluto apart. My friends have told me to try to talk to her but how can I start?
actually I have tried once but she just made me feel more uncomfortable with her. I tried to share something to her but instead of listening to me she give a talk and told me that the talk was useless(ouch!). From then on I have learned something."Listening is really the hardest way to communicate but finding a listener is the hardest part."

A World of its Own

Being a teenager is both wonderful and challenging. This is the stage in every persons life where changes are always the challenge. I don’t know if it’s really because of the hormones in our body that changes or is it just really because we are growing up. I really don’t know but one things for sure it’s always fun to be a teenager. In this time of my life, I feel that I’m really a youth. This stage defines the statement….”I’m not a girl not yet a woman.” It’s the time in our life where we conquer not only mountains but ourselves. If there’s one thing about being a teenager that I will never forget, it would be my high school life.

They say high school is tough. It think it’s fun. It’s where we make life long friends. And

meet our first loves (well maybe for some). High school is a little world of it’s own.

It has its own people who laughs for same thing and cries for one thing. My high

school life at my school is definitely a special part of my life. I’m from a school

where school life is not ordinary. Being a senior student at my school makes me feel

so proud because I know that it is really a big achievement. I know that many

students wished to be a part of our world, and that is why I’m not loosing

this opportunity. Being an “iskolar ng bayan” an d a teenager is not easy. You must

really have to understand the word prioritization. And I think all of my classmates

and schoolmates would agree to this. As much as we wanted to go malling

every weekends, we just can’t. I could just have thought of the thousand times

I have wished to have a night life with my cousins, but still I can’t. You know why?

Well it’s because I’m haunted by my guilt that I still have a test tomorrow or I still

have a research deadline tomorrow. If I were not just patient, then I could said this

many times……schooling sucks!. But I can do nothing more than that because my

dream of becoming successful someday lets me forget how tiring and boring schooling

is. The only thing that excites me about going to school are my friends and of course

my long list of crushes (oh c’mon I’m not a hypocrite). My friends at my school

are great. We are maybe different from each other, learning differently, having

different styles, traits and religion; we’re all a minority of one. And now that we’re

soon graduating and will soon be leaving the world that we have established, I

feel a little pain in my heart. High school at my school is definitely not an

ordinary world of it’s own. This world defines friendship, love and most of all

success.

They say high school is tough .I think it’s fun for it has a little world of it’s own.

Listen to what I’m not saying

Don’t be fooled by me., Don’t be fooled by the thousand masks I wear. I give the impression that I’m secure but the truth is that I’m not. I may give you a feeling that everything within me is sunny and unruffled, that waters are calm and that I’m in command and needs no one. Don’t dare t o believe what you see outside of me because no matter how hard you look at me you’ll never get to know me that way. When you want to know me…….then you’ve got to listen to what I’m not saying.

My name is Ella Beverly Sarmago. I’m 16 yrs of age and born on March 8, 1990(huh! what’s the big deal?) .Obviously I was born under the sign of the fishes, Pisces. Pisces women are said to be intuitive and creative. The first one maybe true but the latter one…….me creative...don’t wait for my answer. Anyway were getting out of the topic, I decided to make this entry as my first because I want the readers to have a little idea of what kind of a person I am. You know, to avoid being prejudged. I am really afraid of being prejudged because people always do that to me. They say that I am “maarte” and that’s always the first impression of the people I meet. It hurts me a lot especially when you’ll know that their basis is just the way that you dress. I often get to ask myself that, is there really something wrong about being a “fascious” (fashion conscious) person. I’m not denying the fact that I’m a vain person and I think that there’s nothing wrong with that. I mean every woman has the right to feel beautiful and those people can’t take that away from me. I love to satisfy myself by looking good in front of the mirror. And besides, what do they expect from me, to dress as if I’m a boy. Hey! I maybe an unpredictable person but I’m definitely sure about my sexuality. I’m a certified female. My favorite color is pink,uh no ,it’s pink forever. My celebrity crush is Brad Pitt(yeah that brawny man) and I may forget my notebooks for school but never my lip gloss and lotion.. Take it or leave it, that’s me. I’m vain but I’m not “maarte”. If those people just took time to know me then maybe I can prove them wrong. My friends at my school say that I’m “kalog” and I’m not denying that. I really have a crazy mind especially when I’m with my best bud. My best friend and I have been crazy friends foe almost four years. And trust me when were together, always expect the worse from us. We even have our motto….”For worse or for worst…..till failures do us part” Quite famillar.isn’t it? My friend and I almost have the same traits but one thing that differs me from her is that I’m a very secretive person. I rarely share my secrets to her but I often know her secrets because she wants to share it. It’s unfair for her part but she got used to it.We love to do a lot of talking, that has actually become our hobby. Aside from talking we also love to watch t.v. We may be doing the same thing almost everyday but I do one thing that she does not. I read and she rarely do it. I read but I’m not a bookworm. I love to read books that talks about the real world, I’m not a fan of fictional novels, I get easily tired of imagining or picturing scenes. What else could I share? I think I’ve shed enough information about me. Maybe you still think that it’s just a little information, but remember I’ve told you before that I’m a secretive person. Sharing a part of me to the public is already a big deal.

So who really am I, you may wonder………..I am every woman, every man, every child….every human…….I am anything but ordinary.